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Nothing and no one in life can be fixed. That’s the truth.

Trust

I don’t know if and I don’t think I can trust people. Everyone has their own agenda. I am unsure now, though one person said to help.

The Thing about Honesty (or ‘why you should kill yourself if you’re trying out honesty’)

I was asked last week if I was lying, whenever I was saying that I was going to commit suicide or when I asked if I should commit suicide. I just now realized something though:

People don’t care about principles. Whenever I made a promise I tried to keep it. I tried to live up to my word and was constantly let down by others though. Even when I couldn’t fullfill something right away I kept on going untl I could live up to it.
People tend to forget when I promise or say something or they forgot that they promised something themselves. It just goes yo show how unimportant you are to them.

In recent months I heard things like “I thought you were joking when you said you’ll come on Friday.” or “I thought I wasn’t needed [and therefore didn’t come].” You’re not even valuable rnough to be told that things got canceled. If people don’t value you when you’re trying hard to be a good person and then express doubt in your words all of a sudden, why should you try and be a good person to start off with? Obviously the onset is that you’re scum and below them all anyway; No one cares, just kill yourself, what’s the use in talking about it any longer and holding on to life to begin with?

There is no such thing as morality, at least towards me. It seems making a promise or keeping a word towards me is more of a burden than anything else. Others never stand by their word and try to be an honest person. People should never trust other people and at no point ever think of others. Helping others is stupid. Only idiots try to be there for others and I am such an idiot. But soon, hopefully an idiot no more… I hope others will be wiser than me.

The thing about suicide

Have you ever thought about suicide, I mean, seriously thought about it? And then people’s reply to you is something along the lines like, “If you’re going to do this, we’ll call the cops.” Why? What for? On the one hand the same people are telling you to fight for what you want and stand up for yourself and your beliefs, reach for your dreams or some bullcrap like that, on the other they’ll intervene if what you want does not coincide with what they want, it’s suddenly not okay.

Doesn’t the Declaration of Independence, for example, state that the pursuit of happiness is inalienable? What if you are certain that commiting suicide is what’ll make you happy? Does the pursuit of happiness not include the wish to die? Did not the suffragettes and the emancipation movement of women fight for their rights which ended in slogans such as “My body my choice“? It’s one’s own life and one’s own body, isn’t it? Don’t we constantly complain about the pope being against contraceptives because he is an old male virgin, surrounded by other male virgins and has the audacity to tell women what they are supposed to do? So, shouldn’t people decide for themselves what they want to do with their time given on this planet? If a person wants to commit suicide, but does so in a manner with which no one else is being involved (meaning, not jumping in front of a truck or train), would that be so wrong? Isn’t that the person’s good right to do so?

What if you are a person who has fought for so long and nothing ever came easy to you and you just become tired, because there is no improving of things? What should you do? Many often say that commiting suicide is taking the easy way out and tell you that “you can’t run forever. You have to stand up and fight.“, Well, you may not be able to run forever, but neither can you fight forever. At one point you’ll just be exhausted and at some point, the pain becomes unbearable. Should this person then not be permitted to do with his or her life and body whatever he or she thinks appropriate?

It’s okay if you leave and give up on me, everybody else did it already.

Nothing in my life came easily. I had to fight for Every. Single. Thing. I fell so often, I failed so often, academically, athletically, socially. It was all just one fight after another. Never ever stopping. And it kept on dragging and dragging and dragging. At some point you’re just bruised and battered and want a rest. You don’t want to fight any longer. It’s just so much, but then those hurdles keep on coming even more so. And with Every. Single. Fight. I. Fought. I gave it my all. And Every. Time. I. Helped. Someone. whether it be as a tutor, teacher, peer or just helping random people on the street, I gave it my all. But there’s nothing coming back and saying “the deed is its own reward” just isn’t true at some point any longer. There is nothing in this life of mine worth fighting for.

Now you may say that people are only telling you they’ll call for help because they care about you. But do they? Do they really? Where were they when you asked for help? When you told them you needed to be with somebody, you needed to talk with someone? Where were they? Where are they? You spent years trying to help depressive and suicidal people by giving advice, listening, being a shoulder to lean on, hanging out with them, and what do you get from those that give you strength? Yeah, that’s what you get, nothing. Even if they know about your condition, they’re just passing by, telling you some standard catch phrases they heard on TV or elsewehere without giving it much thought and then leave you be. So, let me tell you this, if you didn’t care before and you basically told the person to go hell, you have no right to prevent this person from commiting suicide. If you think about it, you get what you want, you didn’t want them to talk to you, then let them kill themselves, there you go, problem solved for everyone involved.

If you are one of those people who sudenly get all “Don’t Do It” let me ask you “why”? Why not do it? What is there? Why are you suddenly so invested? And you know how you can tell that their investment is fake? Because all of them, every single one of them, just let’s you be once they’ve said their part and their conscience is calm. None of them, not one of them wants to even talk to you. That is how invested people are. If you want to commit suicide, do it. I feel that there’s nothing out there, no brighter day no rainbow, no greener grass no bright light at the end of the tunnel. You are alone. You will always be alone. People won’t fight for you , nor fight with you nor even hold your hand or be there for you. There’s nothing out there, keep that in mind. There are no second chances in life. If you fail, you fail. Give up. You were garbage to begin with, so you should go where garbage belongs to. Know your place.

The thing about the Philippines

I recently looked at the Philippines’ dispute in the South China Sea again this week and I realized something. And though I don’t think it appropriate to take a stance for one side or the other here, I noticed one thing: The Philippines are essentially a play ball, nothing but a toy.

 

Why and how did I come to this conclusion? Well, there was this war between Luzon and Brunei at the turn of the 15th century which Luzon lost, and then the Spanish arrived shortly after in 1521 and claimed the land theirs. From 1762 to 1764, however, the Philippines were under British rule only to be conquered again by Spain and then sold in 1898 to the USA for $20 million US Dollars. When MacArthur decided to abandon the country, it was occupied by the Japanese from 1942 to 1945 and after the war the US set the country free in 1946. And this is where the new Philippines set in.

The country is upto this day struggling and has suffered, in its short history under a dictatorsship from 1972 to 1985, which left the nation bankrupt only to have this repeated again in 2006 when another president decided to prolong her stay in said position. All throughout this, the Filipinos keep on fighting and fighting, may it be against their government, foreign occupiers, internal occupiers or about disputed regions.

 

All their fights have something in common though, in the end, it’s never the Filipinos who achieved something. It was always a foreign power. When the Philippines were founded in 1946, it was only because the US government allowed it. When former president wanted to execute martial law, the USA didn’t allow that. In all of the disputes, it becomes clear that the Philippines are nothing but a toy of outside forces, never being allowed to decided their own fate. Fighting and fighting but never really improving. It’s sad, maybe stupid even. If you’re a pessimist, you can ask yourself why one should keep on fighting if there is no prospect of even seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

Life’s second chances

It is sad to learn that there are no second chances in life, none. No matter how hard you beg, fight, wait, hope or pray, there is no hope to ever have a second chance. If you fail once, give up. Give it all up.

Wishing

I don’t wish anymore. If I wish, I’ll just get dissappointed. I spent a lot of time praying before, but I hardly think that that had any kind of effect. Doing good deeds doesn’t even seem to give you a good kharma. From my point of view, everything is lost.

Dalawang hiling na lang

Ang puso’y ko ay nilalaman na lamang ng dalawang hiling:

Kung maawa lang sana ang panginoon sa akin, mapapabalik ka sa piling ko
at kung hindi talaga mangyayari iyan, sana ako’y mamamatay na lang.
Wala na akong nakikitang saysay sa buhay kong ito. Patawad.

My autophobia and the will to die Part 1

I can’t sleep. Every night I cannot sleep. I am awake until very late, constantly wake up during the night time and get up early. I am restless, so to say, because whenever I close my eyes I see myself how I die in various ways ranging from getting hit by a truck to being butchered, everything from suicide to homicide. When I am awake however, nothing changes. I still feel like dying, and it has been like this for years now. I hate myself and hate every bit of me and I am fairly certain that more than tolerating me isn’t possible.

I hate having to see my reflection in a mirror, I can’t stand it. And I dislike being touched; I’m not used to having physical contact with people and immediately want to pull away once anybody comes close to me. Nevertheless, when meeting new people I really do try to not show it and act like everyone else, when in reality I just want to cease to exist.

My malfunction contains elements of autophobia (the fear of being alone or being left for good by someone else [especially a spouse or a family member], accompanied by anxiety, while feeling the need to keep people out of one’s business) tied up with self-hate, obviously. Neither is curable up to this day, really, though symptoms can be dampened through emotional bonding. But what are the causes for this state of mind, at least in my case?

Generally speaking I could roll out a large list of causes and traumata that may or may not have led to this: Like, being a mixed child I had severe problems fitting in both the German and especially the Philippine community, where grown-ups even felt the need to constantly insult me. I just wanted to fit in, at least look like everyone else did. As a counter-measure I devoted large portions of my time fastidiously studying the Filipno history and culture to make up for my shortcoming.

Or I could argue with my Catholic school education, rituals like the Confiteor, where you constantly keep on saying you have failed “in [your] thoughts and in [your] words, in what [you] have done and in what [you] have failed to do”. The icing of the cake is of course you constantly having to say “through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault”. Catholicism is a religion of guilt, and going to school in an extremely Catholic school you’re being taught that you’re just not good enough, no matter what you do.

But both of those reasons are, if ever, childhood traumas, they can easily be overcome by looking at things rationally, and people do really. But as Hitler has said in his 1938 speech in Reichenberg about teaching German children about being proper Nazis “[…] they will never be free their entire life!” (sie werden nicht mehr frei ihr ganzes Leben!), Catholicism, if you grew up with it, is pretty hard to get out of your system.
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I want to kill myself

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